When a separation was the right step

Separations hurt. Families and groups of friends break apart, life is turned upside down, the stability is gone. Some can’t take it anymore, therefore, much too long in a relationship that works.

Experts advise therefore to see the chances of separation:

  • You can continue to develop, to take care of yourself, your own life back into focus.
  • You no longer have to quarrel, and not suffer from the behavior of the partner.

“Who is adopted from a destructive relationship, can feel after a breakup is often a great relief,” says the couple therapist Nadja von Saldern from Berlin, who has written a book with the title “Happily separated”.

Couples are no longer happy together and stay together anyway, jamming often aggression. “It is a lie, offended, hurt. It is permanently under power,” says relationship coach Sandra Hinte from Sinzheim.

Other couples live together more like in a kind of residential community next to each other. “Crumbs-relations” says Hinte. Because everyone gets only crumbs and never the whole pie. “You have to ask yourself how authentic it is and what needs to be suppressed permanently.” Both partners use the opportunity to live in a fulfilled partnership with closeness and sexuality.

Author Heike Blümner (“closing now”) reported that older people are now wondering why they have not or at least not much. You mourn the wasted life. “Sometimes you should just go”, so the conclusion of Blümner.

When is the time?

At the beginning, when the first thoughts of a separation, it can help a kind of diary. Anyone who doubts his relationship, here, when it comes to him in the relationship is good and when bad.

A warning sign is when couples argue again and again, fiercely about the little things. Because this is often a valve, the Anger about other, much larger conflicts to drain.

For more questions, you should ask yourself: What are my Thought and behavior patterns? What I could have in the relationship wrong? And how could it run better?

Of course, the conversation with the Partner is one of the most important steps. So both have the Chance to develop together, maybe also with the help of a coach or therapist. All of this is of no use and it comes to the separation, this a lot of Thought and Talk is also a big advantage. “You can say to yourself that you have tried everything. This reduces or even prevents feelings of guilt,” says Hinte.

A Merkspruch provided Blümner in your book to readers: “If the question of ‘Go or Stay?’ takes more time than the planning for the next holiday”, one had to go.

Most likely, the separation will go hand – in-hand with negative feelings of self-doubt, fear of loneliness. However, negative feelings are, of course, that at and after the separation. The most common is the fear of loneliness, self-doubts often. The better the fresh deal Separate, the faster he will be with his newly gained autonomy to be happy and satisfied.

Sure to is definitely: Anyone after a separation is always bad. “I don’t know anyone who would have said: “It was a huge mistake”” says Blümner.

Remain clear, to focus on himself

How to cope with a separation, also depends a lot on how this is run. However, peaceful and reasonable separations are rather rare. Usually one of the two spins at least, at least temporarily.

The Abandoned confused, maybe its the fear of loss with love and caresses of the Partner, and soon-to-be angry and abusive. It is threatened, for example, that the other no longer is allowed to see the children. “The Problem is not that the other actually wants to go, you can often clear,” explains von Saldern. He makes the changing emotional outbursts of his partner, also because of its own uncertainty. The matter is always destructive.

Who wants to separate at least somewhat reasonable, and should therefore be as clear as possible in his statements, and goals, even if it is difficult. “You should focus on yourself and not out of the upset,” says Blümner.