If you feel like you’re not quite firing on all cylinders at the moment – you’re not alone.
As we approach a year of lockdown, it seems to be getting harder and harder to function as the best versions of ourselves. And it is making loads of us feel like failures.
If you’re normally a high-achiever, or at least used to living a fast-paced life structured around ticking achievements off your to-do list, the abrupt change of pace has probably been hard to wrap your head around. Having nothing to do – all the time – is making us feel deeply inadequate.
And the realms of our inadequacy are varied and wide-ranging. In fact, there is no area of our lives at the moment where we don’t feel like we’re not quite doing enough.
We can’t text our friends back, or muster the enthusiasm for another Zoom quiz. Our performance at work is suffering and we’re struggling to stay engaged. We’re lacking in fitness motivation and barely leaving the house, let alone working out. Our creative projects have been cast aside and forgotten too – your sourdough starter is long-dead, and you still haven’t learnt how to knit.
‘If you’re feeling bone tired, foggy or finding it tough to motivate yourself, you are not alone,’ says Suzy Reading, author of Self-Care for Tough Times.
‘The normal response to tough times is to struggle. It is hard to keep going in these conditions, especially when that is coupled with competing demands of taking care of other family members or home schooling children – it is simply not possible to maintain the same quality and quantity of output.’
Suzy adds that this issue is made even more difficult because cultural messaging equates self-worth with productivity, reinforcing the idea that ‘rest is somehow indulgent’.
She adds: ‘These are tough times – now is not the time for striving. This is the time for going gently, for resting and soothing your frazzled nervous system.
‘Far from being lazy, rest can be the most productive thing possible right now.’
Julia, 33, works as a merchandiser in Manchester. She feels like this lockdown has been incredibly hard on her self-esteem, and that she feels like she can’t do anything right.
‘I keep thinking about what I should have been achieving this year, and then I look at the reality and realise I have literally achieved nothing. On top of that, I am struggling with everything – even the most basic of things.
‘Cooking dinner or doing minor chores – like hoovering – feels insurmountable. I have no energy, no motivation. It’s just not me. I don’t know who this lump who spends all of her free time on the sofa is.
‘I hate feeling like I’m failing. But I don’t know how to achieve anything right now. It’s honestly making me feel quite worthless as a person.’
Psychotherapist Noel McDermott says it isn’t surprising that people are feeling like this, he says we are now being much harder on ourselves than we were at the beginning of the pandemic.
‘In the first lockdown because it was “new”, we had lower expectations on ourselves,’ Noel tells Metro.co.uk
‘There were also much more realistic expectations in that we all accepted that just getting through the experience emotionally and psychologically was good enough.’
Noel says that during the last year, we have put all sorts of adaptions in place to mean society can continue to function during lockdowns.
‘We now have more complex systems in place to manage work from home, online schooling etc, therefore this time the lockdown coincides with much more complex and stressful commitments,’ he says.
‘Additionally, we have been living with the stress of this situation much longer and it impacts on our resilience, so objectively and subjectively this stay at home order is more difficult on us.
‘We need to recognise this and adapt our expectations accordingly. We can’t carry on as normal because we are under abnormal pressures as social animals and how we would normally regulate our feelings is not readily available.’
How to cope if you feel like a failure right now
The pandemic has stripped us of the structures of our lives. All the things we used to use to measure success and achievement have been completely upended. Without the rigid markers of productivity that used to dictate our behaviour, we feel adrift.
But, it could also present us with an opportunity to re-frame how we use our time, and how we judge our self-worth.
‘We need to give ourselves permission to be just one fallible human being, we don’t have the resources of a dozen people,’ says self-help author Suzy Reading.
‘When it is not possible to achieve everything required of us, we need to shift expectations of ourselves, we need to make peace with imperfections and incompletions, cherry-picking the home learning tasks we deliver and prioritising our health so that we can keep giving and keep going.’
She says this chapter of life calls for a whole new definition of success.
‘Just getting through the day is enough,’ she says. ;Gentle, coaxing, kind self-talk will help, restorative practices like stretching, self-massage, breathing exercises and time in nature will help us move through our emotions and gently restore.
‘Know that it is OK to feel worried, tired or wobbly, but keep bringing your mind back to what lies within your control.
‘In the midst of all this uncertainty we can give ourselves permission to nourish ourselves, so we are best placed to cope with all eventualities.’
Psychologist and founder of The Village, Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari, suggests that our feelings of inadequacy stem from being completely overwhelmed.
‘We are juggling so many different things and taking on new responsibilities – working from home and homeschooling, plus childcare – but without the opportunity to recharge our batteries,’ she explains.
‘Our holidays have been cancelled or postponed, we can’t meet with friends like we would usually, we can’t go to exercise classes to blow off steam, or spend as much time outdoors as we would like to.’
Dr Kalanit also points to over-exposure to social media and comparison culture as to why we don’t feel good enough. She says it’s important to remember that what we see on social media is rarely a reflection of reality. Here are her other top tips for coping with feeling inadequate:
Normalise these feelings
They are not uncommon. Talking about it and sharing your thoughts will help. FaceTime a friend or a family member that you trust and tell them openly what you’re going through.
Practice mindfulness
Do whatever you can to focus your attention on the present moment. Try yoga, breathing exercises, being in and connecting with nature, or meditation – whatever clears your mind of noise. Perhaps write a journal as an outlet for your feelings. Things like this will allow you to recharge and calm your thoughts.
Seek to find moments of joy
Where you can within the current limitations. Perhaps it’s a cosy Saturday morning watching a film, a walk in your favourite park, making your favourite meals or catching up with friends virtually. Think about what’s important for you and what brings you joy, and schedule these into your day.
Take time off work
Try to add in some more regular breaks from work, take time off (where you might usually have a holiday). Breaks are important to recharge.
Try to spend less time on social media
Or think carefully about those who you are connected to online. Do they bring you joy, or feelings of inadequacy? Freeing up your time this way will also allow you nurture those real-life connections you have, which we know from research is one of the biggest sources of life satisfaction.
Remember that you can only ask for your best
It’s all you or anyone else can expect. Lower your expectations and strive for progress, not perfection. Be kind to yourself with your inner voice – use positive mantras to clear your mind and remind you of your resilience.
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