- A threesome is one of the most common sexual fantasies, according to Justin Lehmiller's research into kinks, but social stigma has prevented many people from acting on them.
- During Lehmiller's "Sex & Psychology" podcast, threesomes researcher Ryan Scoats offered tips for a first-timer based on his research.
- Scoats said planning group sex ahead of time, communicating your needs and expectations, and expecting an emotional experience, not just a physical one, can help you enjoy it.
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Having a threesome is one of the most common sexual fantasies, with 95% of men and 87% of women reporting they've dreamed of engaging in group sex.
But few people act on this fantasy, Kinsey Institute sex researcher Justin Lehmiller said of his previous findings on a December 2 episode of his podcast Sex & Psychology.
That's because mainstream society often views threesomes as an activity reserved for the kinkiest people, Ryan Scoats, a sex researcher and author of "Understanding Threesomes: Gender, Sex, and Consensual Non-Monogamy," told Lehmiller during the episode.
"I think there is quite often the assumption that threesomes are relegated to the real fringes of society and it's only sexual deviants that have them, or these people who are into loads of more fringe sexual activities," but that's a myth, Scoats said.
Scoats debunked threesome myths, offered advice, and explained what threesome first-timers should expect during the podcast too.
There's an emotional aspect to threesomes
People typically cite the thrill of sexual attention as the reason they're interested in trying a threesome, Scoats said, but they often ignore the emotional experience group sex can be.
Through his research, Scoats found people came out of threesomes disappointed because it "didn't live up to the fantasy" of who would get the most attention during the experience and left their feelings hurt.
"They saw that the other people were interested in each other as well as interested in them," Scoats said.
That's why it's important to discuss with your partner ahead of time what you want out of the experience, according to Lehmiller.
Over-communicate with your partners before the threesome
Scoats said his top tip for threesome newbies is to communicate beforehand about the acts you'd like to try and what you consider off-limits.
"This can help reduce unwanted behaviors and misunderstandings, and potentially reduce feelings of exclusion and people receiving unequal amounts of attention. Equality is an important aspect," Scoats said.
He said this advice could apply to any threesome dynamic, whether it's a couple bringing in a stranger, three single people coming together, or another dynamic.
For couples, this communication could involve making a specific sex act off-limits with the stranger, to symbolize their relationship is separate from the one they're having with the third person, Scoats said.
He added that there's no one way to create rules and set expectations, and the third person's sexual needs should always be considered too since they tend to be the most left out.
It's better to plan a threesome than make it spur-of-the-moment
Since communication is essential for a fulfilling threesome experience, Scoats said planning it ahead of time, rather than having last-minute group sex after a night at the bar, is the best way to go if you're new to it.
He said people often have threesomes after a night of drinking because it lowers their inhibitions.
Drinking beforehand can also be a deflection mechanism, Lehmiller said. If someone who drank prior to sex is later asked why they had the threesome, they can point to intoxication rather than their own interest in the kink if they're afraid to be shamed for it, he said.
But planning the sex ahead of time doesn't mean it won't be exciting. According to Lehmiller, the anticipation of a planned threesome can actually make it more erotic in the moment.
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